me against the world

It has taken me a long time to finally put this down in words and actually have the courage to admit this on here, so here goes…

I don’t know if anyone here actually remembers, but there was a time when I would blog about serious issues. I would blog any deep and complex thoughts I had on issues around me and in the world without any fear of what people would say or think. Sometimes I would have a sensitive disclaimer, but I’d still talk about whatever it was I wanted to talk about.

I realized recently that I lack the confidence to do so these days.

Some of you know that I can be critical of people who are ignorant about an issue but talk about it with conviction and stubbornness. I am critical of people who are biased and hypocritical and fail to recognize that fact.

I told a professor once in a log (at the risk of sounding arrogant or conceited): “Being educated and then publicizing your opinion is always better than being an ignorant fool trying to shove your idiotic ideas into the faces of others.” I then went on to apologize for my ignorance on the issue I had been discussing but conveyed my hopes of educating myself through his course.

(As a side note: I’m not actually that critical about people sharing their thoughts and opinions. I’m happy to continue reading as long as the author doesn’t assume that his or her opinion is the only one that matters and doesn’t believe that anyone who disagrees with that opinion is stupid.)

Anyway, as a result, I’m afraid of appearing the same way and so I keep my thoughts to myself. Sometimes that’s a good thing. Other times I think I should express myself more.

It’s funny because after so many years of schooling, I still feel like I don’t know anything. Yes I know various skills and I know how to do certain things, but I don’t feel like I know enough about the world, about history, about current events, about languages, about math, about science, about… anything. I feel like I’ve picked up things here and there, but if you asked me a specific question, most of the time I would need to look back and refer to old notes.

That’s sad. Especially since you could hum the first part of a song and I’d be able to sing the lyrics back to you without much problem. Or at least, be able to name the song or artist.

A part of me likes to blame it on the schooling system. Each school year rushes by without pause and you are constantly moving on to new material. Depending on what it is that I’m learning, I don’t get a chance to really absorb it in, think about it, reflect and put together my own opinion. I just memorize what I need to know in order to do well on the exam, spit it out on the exam, and then forget 60% of it that night.

A part of me just thinks I don’t try hard enough. But I know I work hard, in both my media studies classes and my computer science classes, so that can’t be it.

Whatever it is, I’m determined to read and learn as much as I can over the course of this year while I am away from school. I need to catch up and I need to focus. If I decide I want to go to grad school, then I need to figure out what I’m interested in. And I need to have enough background knowledge to make the best decision for me.

And most of all, I would like to speak up for once during a discussion or debate with absolute confidence that I know what I am talking about, and that what I feel and have to say is meaningful and important. And I would like to be able to write about other things on here besides what I am currently doing, random lyrics, or commentary about media and sport items.

I know that while I lack confidence in many areas of my life, this is one thing that is in my hands to build up and take control of.

Let’s see how that goes.

So our student organization at work organized a small trip to the Markham Fair today. In other words, I organized it, considering I’m one of the team leads and all… heh. It was the opening night of the fair so we had a cheaper price and some fun special events to look forward to.

I was supposed to go with a group of about 10 people but after we split up for carpool, I never saw the rest of them again. I spent the evening with two Spanish guys who are visiting for a few months to do research in our department… and it was a blast. The only other fair that I’ve ever been to was the Western Fair (in London, Ontario) but today’s was different as there was a lot of local content and exhibits.

The three of us had a ball looking at all the exhibits and the unique items on display, as well as all the rides and games. After grabbing food, we sat down to be amazed and entertained by the crazy motocross bikers. After that were two rounds of a demolition derby (even more craziness!) and then an ok display of fireworks.

The only downside to the night was how unbelivably cold it was. And it’s only the end of September!

But anyway, a good night was had. A very different one, but a good one in the end.

Take a look at my flickr gallery (here) because I took many pictures that I love - the sky was just gorgeous, even with all the grey and muggy clouds.

I’m back from London and had a great weekend there (thanks ladies!).

I’m also back at work and back to the craziness that is this month. We have a huge conference coming up in three weeks and there’s just so much to do. In fact, ever since the day I returned to work after spraining my ankle, my days have been busy. The work is good, don’t get me wrong. It’s just hectic and going to become even more so until the end of the conference.

Random thoughts:

- As per usual, the minute I become really busy and stressful, I have the uncontrollable urge to organize everything in my life and make sure everything is in its place and under control. The list of things to organize is extensive (ranges from going through the things I brought back from school to sorting out plans for my future) and will take a long while to complete, yet I can’t get this urge out of my system.

- It’s official, I’m addicted to books. Both the ones you read and the ones you write in. I love finding unique looking blank books and buying them to write random things in.

- I took the train to and from London. I was determined to enjoy the experience because I like travelling and it was my first time taking the train. However, I couldn’t avoid the irritation I felt when I realized I took about 5 hours to get there (including travel by public transit from work to the train station) and if my parents would have let me drive, it would have taken only 2.

- My camera is officially broken. I did the troubleshooting stuff that Canon told me to do and nothing changed. The next step would be to send it in but I really can’t be bothered right now. We’ll see how that goes…

- I can’t begin to express how great it is to have an ipod with a battery life again.

- I love having good conversations. With good friends, newly aquired friends, and sometimes even strangers.

- I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I think it’s time I sat down and gave myself a monthly budget. This past summer was the best one ever and I don’t regret all the money I spent. However, ever since I’ve started to think about what I want to do in the future I have realized that I need to start being a tiny bit more careful. Plus I also want to buy a few specific things and if I budget myself out, I’ll feel a lot better about it. *grin*

- I miss people.

- I’m enjoying meeting new people and having random conversations with them. I just don’t know how to juggle different groups of friends. And I’m tempted to not even try and just go with the flow. However, I just can’t relax enough for that to happen.

- I really need to get some software for my Macbook… and I need to sit down for an entire day and tackle my old, dying computer so that I can transfer things to the Macbook and clean the old one up.

- I need to stop writing because there’s work to do and that’s why I’m sitting at my desk after work hours…. Bah.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering

Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she’s not
Cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone….

- Lyrics by John Mayer

So many people, things, and events can break your heart…

You know those mornings when everything is so cold that you find it really hard to get out of bed? You wake up and it’s so dark that you find it hard to believe that your clock is working correctly? The mornings when you’d much rather curl up and stay in your warm, comfy bed?

Those days are already here.

The problem is that traffic is so bad now that if I don’t get up, it makes anywhere between 5 and 20 minutes difference.

*sigh* Alright, I’m getting up now…

We saw John Mayer again yesterday for free at Yonge and Dundas Square - thanks to Best Buy. It was wonderful to see and hear the man and his band rock it out in an outdoor concert. It was a different atmosphere but they did very well and I left completely satisfied and impressed :)

I was disturbed by the mass marketing scheme Best Buy was doing and refused to take part (though I guess I should be thankful because they gave me a free concert). They handed out flags, t-shirts, and coupons. People were like rabid animals racing for the free stuff and it really bothered me.

I sat on the floor for as long as I could because of my ankle and a few songs into the concert I came to the conclusion that the slight pain I was feeling was worth it. I was happy to have recorded some songs onto my phone but not so happy to find that my camera is malfunctioning. I can no longer record videos… I’ve already sent off an e-mail to Canon for some help.

Thanks Sarah and Em for the fun day .